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| source// wwe.com |
Face paint is an old and well-known element of the pro-wrestling world. Throughout different generations, there have been several memorable performers who did their best work with their faces painted, including (but in no way limited to) guys like Jim Hellwig (Ultimate Warrior), Steve Borden (Sting), and Bill Eadie and Barry Darsow (Ax and Smash of Demolition).
Just like masks, the paint helps to extend a wrestler’s visual style and personality above the shoulders, and care needs to be taken to pull it off right. A good piece can enhance a character and present more cosmetic options than masks. A bad piece, however, can completely nullify them.
Without a doubt, there have been some ugly face paints, but that doesn’t necessarily make them bad. Aja Kong springs to mind… she will not be on this list.
This is simply a collection of the ten more poorly-conceived, silly, and/or pointless attempts at facial art the squared circle has even seen.
Before proceeding, here are some honorable mentions:
-The Road Warriors. Their early AWA face paint was disgraceful, especially compared to their legendary trademark designs.
-Lord Tensai: fake tattoos never look good next to actual tattoos.
-The KISS Demon, because Gene Simmons wrestling.
Now, on to our top (or bottom) ten…
10. Damián 666 (LWO)
Damián 666 was already an established international wrestler when he briefly became a member of the LWO during WCW’s Nitro peak.
As interesting as his paint style had always been, it was a bad idea to replace the trademark “666.” It was probably done to avoid upsetting American viewers, but there’s just something uncool about having your name or your faction’s name written on your forehead.
It’s like the wrestling equivalent of those old Spider-Man costumes with a picture of Spider-Man on the chest.
For similar reasons, the nWo incarnation of The Great Muta almost made it on this list… but he almost looked like he had an nWo logo floating above his neck, which is frankly kind of cool.
9. Mr. Fuji (With Demolition And Powers Of Pain)
Let’s be clear: Mr. Fuji is a legend as both a wrestler and a manager. He has absolutely nothing in common with the more forgettable types in this top ten…
Except for one thing.
While he was managing Demolition (and later the Powers of Pain,) Fuji would mirror his protégés by donning two little red wings around his eyes.
Of course, face paint is usually supposed to add an ominous air to a character (especially a heel). Though it’s hard to look ominous in a tuxedo and bowler hat, Fuji’s garb did absolutely nothing except make him look like he’d gotten into Mrs. Fuji’s makeup drawer.
Even though there was a context for his paint, it was just about as pointless as if Paul Heyman got a dagger chest tattoo nowadays.
8. The Blue Meanie
The Blue Meanie was no doubt capable of entertaining, but man, was his look ever phoned in. No trunks, no design except for a theme colour, and an all-around irksome physical presence in desperate need of dressing-up that never came.
But the thing that really brought the whole jerkwad aesthetic together was his “face paint,” which is to say the sunglasses he had drawn on his face. Sometimes you wonder if that famous beatdown he received from JBL was just a natural outcome of having such a punchable, kickable, chairable countenance.
Those aren’t sunglasses, you say? It’s actually supposed to be a black eye mask à la the Lone Ranger? Well, that changes everything…
‘Everything’ still means ‘nothing,’ right?
7. The Missing Link
Some people might not remember The Missing Link, which is just as well because he was simply unpleasant to look at.
Not unpleasant in a good, heelish way, either… more like “nauseating to lay eyes on.” His crazy tufted hair was bad enough, but at least it fit the character. What didn’t fit, however, was his decidedly vomit-coloured makeup, with bright blue around the eyes.
Obviously, someone thought, the missing link in human evolution would logically look like the third Road Warrior with a life-threatening case of gout.
There was nothing primal or tribal about the design, it was simply generic broad strokes “augmented” with that gawd-awful colour scheme. So really all you were left with was a wild-man with a kisser straight out of a contrarian toddler’s colouring book.
6. Mantaur
It was never clear precisely what Mantaur was supposed to be (mythical creature? fat dude with a prominent spirit animal?) but we all understood the look they were going for.
He’s part man, part… bison thing… and you’d like him to conserve some of those bovine features once he takes off that… bison thing he wears to the ring. We get it.
So the idea was to draw black horns curving around his bald head… only nobody caught National Geographic that particular week, and nobody stopped to wonder what animal on Earth has horns growing out of its eye sockets.
Anatomical illustration? Eye-masking war paint? Either way, neither added to his drab, matte appearance or legitimized his aggressive in-ring mooing.
5. The Stalker
The Stalker was already a pretty lame gimmick to slap on a legend like Barry Windham, but perhaps hindsight is biased. Maybe the character could have had some appeal at one time, but the face paint just made it impossible for it to work.
First off, camouflage is utterly useless in a wrestling match. In fact, unless you adorn yourself from head to toe in the exact colour of the canvas, it actually creates a sharper contrast and makes you stick out like a (filthy) sore thumb…
In terms of execution, the Stalker’s roughly smeared looked made him look less like a survivalist or soldier of fortune, and more like a guy who tripped into his own outhouse pit.
4. Zodiac
It shouldn’t be hard to pull off black and white face paints. Look at Sting, Kamala, Vampiro, Papa Shango… heck, even Phantasio’s paint was pretty nice.
And then, there was Zodiac. Now, without getting into the (scarce) merits of the gimmick itself, it makes sense that a guy with a yin-yang obsession would feature black and white face paint.
What doesn’t make sense is having someone walk to the ring looking like someone had slung a pair of white tiger-print skivvies in their face.
There was no concept besides Ed Leslie’s legit obsession with stripes, and no idea of balance (pretty much the only decent visual device available to such a character.)
WCW never was able to rise above kindergarten level when it came to face paint … with one obvious exception.
3. Abe "Knuckleball" Schwartz
Vince McMahon: We need another sports gimmick.
Writer: How about baseball?
Vince: Good. But we can’t just march out Steve in a uniform… Make his head a baseball.
Writer: Steve, we’re gonna shave your head…
Steve Lombardi: Don’t touch my hair.
Vince: Fine, it’ll be a baseball with hair.
Writer: Why don’t we paint those black bars under his eyes instead?
Vince: Who’s the genius here? Baseball with hair.
“Knuckleball” was a doomed character to begin with, but the decision to paint his face like the very thing that gets smacked around during baseball games was the icing on the cake.
Furthermore, the red seams running down either side of his mug made him look more like a) a mime fresh out of radical plastic surgery, or b) a really racist Leatherface.
2. The Shark
Yes, the Dungeon of Doom gave the world not one, but two of the five worst paint jobs in wrestling history.
Say what you want about Zodiac, at least he had the creep factor going for him. John Tenta, on the other hand, had teeth drawn on his cheeks (over his beard, no less) to simulate a shark’s mouth… if you squinted… for three minutes.
It was not only goofy, but completely unnecessary. Tenta could have worn the name on his own, given that he already had the appearance of someone who could eat through the hull of a fishing boat.
Worse yet, if anything, it looked like those cartoon triangles he called teeth were smiling. Basically, picture your fattest, hairiest uncle pitching in at a Finding Nemo themed birthday party.
Finn Bálor, he wasn’t.
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