8 Wrestling Moves that Really Wouldn’t Hurt at All

source// wwe.com

Sure, wrestling is all in the sell and, sure, there are a lot of moves in there that could do some legitimate damage, we all know that dropping somebody on their head is a pretty bad idea, health wise.

But, on the flip side, there are some moves in there that are just so unconvincing that not even Dolph Ziggler could sell them.

From slams to submissions, there is just no way some of those finishers hurt. Most of us can conceivably see how a flying kick to the chops might hurt, but the back of Hulk Hogan’s thigh? Not so much.

To be clear, when we say “doesn’t hurt”, we don’t mean that getting thrown through a table tickles and we discourage you from putting it to the test on your siblings, friends or lovers. But it’s the kind of thing that if you saw happen to, say, a footballer, you would be shouting at them to get up and stop being such a drama queen.

So, which of our favourite moves are probably okay to try at home (but, you know, still don’t)?

8. Leg Drop

Hulk Hogan is a legend of the sport, but the Leg Drop finisher is lame.

Okay, anybody who’s dropped their phone on their face in bed knows that any blow to the face twinges a bit, but taking an unflexed hamstring to the face/chest area is definitely not enough to put your lights out for the fast count.

There are much harder, sharper parts of the human anatomy through which you can drive far more force. The face, for example, has actually specifically evolved to take a closed-fist punch with ease, so bashing the relatively vulnerable, fleshy back of your leg against somebody’s cheekbone is more likely to end up with a dead leg on Hogan’s part.

7. Attitude Adjustment

Slamming somebody down on their back is going to probably knock the wind out of them a bit, but it’s not going to hurt as much as you’d think. These kinds of slams are popular, largely because of just how little they hurt, compared to how dramatic they look.

The impact is taken across what is probably the largest surface on your body and, even if you aren’t being thrown onto a sprung floor, your body is pretty springy, and this move doesn’t drive any force through the more rigid structures such as the neck.

This effect is compounded if you break their fall with, I don’t know, a flimsy table. Despite looking more dramatic, this is about as close as you get to a cushioning without actually bringing out a crash mat.

6. Vice Grip

We get it, he’s got big hands, but it is difficult to figure out exactly what The Great Khali is trying to achieve here.

Human bone is stronger than concrete and steel, and the skull is designed to withstand massive amounts of force in order to protect your most important organ.

You need around 2,300 newtons (or 235kg) of force to fracture a human skull. This might be just about possible with some kind of blunt trauma, but you could never hope to deliver this kind of force with static pressure via the hands. Considering Khali “only” weighs in at around 157 kg, he wouldn’t even be able to break a skull if he literally stood on his opponent’s head.

Seeing as there’s not much else going on with the skull, no soft tissue or organs to compress or damage, the Vice Grip might, I dunno, hurt your ears a bit?

5. Half Boston Crab

As somebody with lower lumbar back pain, this actually looks like a really nice stretch that might be administered in a physio’s office, not a wrestling ring.

Granted, variations on this submission that use a knee to the mid-back, or even just both legs, would turn this into the legitimate submission that it is, but the fact that you actually have control of your other leg would make unbending your back laughably simple by supporting yourself on your other knee.

OR you could just writhe uselessly in pain, that’s good too.

4. Giant Swing

It’s certainly a visual spectacle, but Cesaro’s Giant Swing is going to hurt as much as a merry-go-round.

Presumably, the idea of the swing is to dizzy and disorient your opponent, but given that this requires the Kind of swing to spin at the same time, it’s like choke slamming whilst punching yourself in the face – it’s going to hurt you just as much.

You can definitely hurt somebody by spinning them around thanks to a little thing called G-force, but astronauts and pilots put in a human centrifuge prove that the human body can easily withstand 9g for several minutes without any ill-effects.

Despite being much loved by fans, swinging someone around then gently placing them on the ground is how you play with your nephew, not win a wrestling match.

3. Salida Del Sol

Again, here we have the old chestnut of slamming somebody harmlessly down onto their back, but with the added bonus of compression fractures for Kalisto himself.

Landing from higher up onto the vertical spine is going to transfer all of the impact intended for your opponent up through the spinal column, potentially crushing vertebrae, shattering tailbones and slipping disks – you’d be much better off switching places with the bloke you’re supposed to be hurting.

Sure, you could always slam their head into the floor as you go, but do your really want to run the risk of a blow to the nuts from someone else’s cranium?

2. Brain Chop

Have you ever tried to karate chop something in half to impress your mates? Hurts, doesn’t it?

Blows to the head do carry a lot of risks of concussion and brain injury, but the human cranium is a pretty sturdy structure. Considering it’s main job is to keep your squishy brain matter safe and sound, you’d hope it would be able to withstand a fair amount of abuse.

The human hand (on the other, er, hand) is a delicate precision tool.

The ability to ball the hand up into a fist is an evolutionary tactic pretty much unique to humans, and it is our way of protecting your delicate hands from damage in a fight. And open-handed strike to to a skull would definitely hurt Khali way more then anyone on the receiving end.

1. Rear View

“Can you knock her out but, like, sexily?”

The gluteus maximus is the largest muscle in the human body and the butt is one of the most well padded areas. You know, for sitting on. Like a cushion or something equally not-at-all-painful.

Naomi’s finisher is undoubtedly a nod to her ample booty but come on. Never mind the fact that a larger behind would have more padding and hurt less, the amount of force that you could conceivably put into jumping simultaneously backwards and up to head height would be about akin to bumping a drawer shut with your hip.

Did we miss any? Let us know in the comments which moves leave you feeling underwhelmed.